I’ve begun to move into the next phase of my mental transmutación. It’s so cheesy to say ‘the power of attraction’ via some self-help book or pop cultural icon muttering those words, but the reality is the positive changes in my mind have been attracting positive results.
I’ve been sketching out how my project for Mexicraneos.com and the large scale skull will play out. I want to use the opportunity as a continuation of the recently closed show Transmutación: Ángeles en México in a 3D form. What a unique opportunity for me to feel this out and use the outside and the inside to carry for the metaphor. It’s not accidental that this project has come to me in this moment. It’s also not an accident that things have been delayed in the process of receiving the skulls to do my interventions.
In the past, this would have driven me to madness and all my actions might have indicated my low levels of insanity. However, I have come far enough in the past 8 months to realize I have no control. What to do with that discomfort created by the space of not having what I want or need? Identify what I have, what I want, and what is actually a need. The truth is I have all that I need. What I want maybe doesn’t align with the grander plan. How do I know? Because it is all working out as it was predestined to work out. Not that I am sitting waiting for etherial messages from the universe.
That extra time has given me the gift of a pause. I’ve been able to stop and see my patterns. I broke a negative one when I closed the second possibility for exhibition in a dysfunctional situation. I protected my energy and desire to help before it turned into a full-blown resentment complete with inappropriate responses. Beyond that pizza I ate to sublimate my rage, I was able to pull back and see the entire experience and list all the accomplishments born of my efforts. Of course, I feel a sense of loss from the opportunity of the second show. It was closer to the central area where more people would have seen it. More people also being curators and others I invited to the opening. Other opportunities will appear, but what a shame to make all that effort to raise funds to discover the organization didn’t have the maturity to handle the process of it. Qué culpa. It’s not my failure.
That is the past. It is time to move forward with all the new things I am learning in my transmutación. The medicines are changing me physically and mentally. My body fat continues to migrate. I have lovely breasts should that be your thing. ‘I could get training bra’ is the joke I am using to cope with the change. My waistline continues to diminish down 4inches from size 38 to 33ish. ‘Best supermodel diet ever.’ More humor to cope. At least I have enough energy to do my work again, so that leads me to my cráneo project.
Transmutación is exterior but also interior. My body shifts but so does my mind. As evident in a few journal entries here, I was spiraling into dark spaces to a space of suicidal thinking. I knew if I did not reverse it my options would lead me there. When my mother was visiting in February the messages came clear to me. Triggered by her soft touches on my arm and forehead while I was ill, it broke the spell of my sickness and seeded the desire to pull my mind out of its self-destructive cycle. The seed planted needed to crack open.
‘Transmutacion’ embodies a seed cracking open, coming undone, breaking the soil, and blossoming. To the outsider who doesn’t understand, it can look like destruction, but it is a transformation harnessing the power of community and making art for change. A chromatic autobiographical exploration of survival.
It did crack. Not pretty either. Have you ever cried endlessly wondering if it would ever stop? That was the first part. Then came the realization I couldn’t really do this part alone. I reached out and asked for help to find the best therapist ever. I began the work of organizing all the information, anxieties, fears, hopes, dreams, and desires. It wasn’t about going back in time as I had done that before. It is about how do I move forward. Clearly, my art is a big part of that, but I needed to change perspectives, not just body sizes.
What I am learning is that I’ve been forcing outcomes. Does it sound painful? It is painful. It requires intention and energy. If you don’t have space in your mind or energy in your body to do it, then frustration follows and evolves to anger and and and and … you get the picture. Not hot. Therapy has helped me understand the pattern and identify where the positive changes are occurring. It has given me a way to organize the information and celebrate victories no matter how small. I love my therapist. She is a great listener and a low tolerance for bullshit.
I found the strength to ask for what I need, so I lost ‘friends’. It’s not enough to ask for what you need if you can’t clearly identify it. That’s a process. It’s also a process to allow yourself to have people reflect back they can’t give you what you need and not cave. Those people fell away and left space for people who could. So how will that translate in the craneo? How does the inside of the skull relate to the outside? I look at the paper and what I see are bold colors and patterns, but look to the backside of the paper. After you varnish it several times from the front it pulls the inks through the paper and creates a unique textural color of flesh. Flesh.
So this is where I am. The delays from the manufacturers caused me great stress. I thought the deadline would not evolve and they are. I was worried my patron’s space would fall through, but they did not. I was worried the project would disappear and it has not. Really what happened was the extra time-resolved so many issues. I don’t have to go to Chimal to work since the cráneo won’t fit through my door. 4 cm off. The two backups I had to watch my Airbnb fell through, but now I will be here. The organizers had enough artists who couldn’t get it to fit and have allowed us to use the storage bodega for production for free. It’s in LindaVista which is about 30 minutes by Metrobus, but it is free. No need to pay 6mil pesos for a mover to Chimal. Now I can be here with my doggy. I can manage my Airbnb income source. I don’t have to pay the maid to come twice a week. It is all around a win-win.
Everything has gotten easier with the transmutación. Not the waiting and wondering. That is painful. Sitting in the space in between and not DOING anything is hard work. Easier work than pushing and controlling and I have far more energy. There is space for other things to happen now….like to fall in love.