Failure

Here’s the thing I never got in college from my teachers. Failure happens a lot in the creation of anything. We just don’t talk about it because we’re afraid that failing makes us failures. There is the judgement in our minds long before others are allowed to judge us. In art it’s out there, right? Grr. There it is hanging on a wall waiting for someone to leap upon it and set it on fire. Fuck yeah! That’s what it deserves. Well not really, but that’s where my head takes me too. It just seems the more my life has been given over to the creative impulses holding my flesh together, then the more sensitive I become to my inner voices and those outside of me. Compound that with taking a huge risk with what little savings I have, moving to another country, learning a new language and culture, and trying to carve out enough income from said work to keep making said work. Grrr again.

process
Process is unforgiving so I am trying to be to myself.

Yesterday I made a rookie mistake in using a product labeled in a similar way to what I am used to like it was the same product. I applied glue over oil pastels not acrylic matte varnish. Gasp! I know. And even more striking was I realized as I started something was wrong and my inner artist said, “Oh that’s different. I wonder will happen if I just keep going?” So I did and it basically created a set of problems and a few tears. Ni modo. I removed it from the wall and promptly hung it over my bed. The worst dream catcher you could imagine, right? Over the bed it hung. Large and looming. And in the night I dreamt about being with my students. “Don’t let the failure in one moment of the process derail you from the eventual win of a million failures.” Oh I guess I can’t just throw that away or carve it up to use somewhere else. I’m going to have to work my way around this.

I got up this morning and immediately brushed my teeth, whore bathed it, and put on clothes to enter the streets. Stopped to get some eggs and bacon. Two cups of coffee. TWO. I needed it. Sub brain launching into frenzy of take the day off so you can bask in your failure. Wait what? Listen pinche brain. Yes I fucked it up yesterday, but I still worked for 6 more hours, did a photoshoot, and managed to finish my sketches for the mural. So don’t ride my ass. I’m getting back to it today. Purchased some pan from Panaderia Rosetta and a doughnut for a friend who loves them. Dropped him the doughnut, stopped at house paint store. Grabbed a million sample colors for the mural and bought several brushes. Stopped at Lumen – really a craft store. Tried to convince them to send a product from another location to this one so I could buy it. Apparently in Mexico businesses get to a certain size and call off customer service. Talking to you Lumen! #Lumen #Sucks I picked up a few different spray varnishes since they did not have Windsor Newton matte varnish at THIS location. The one where I had a wallet of cash ready to spend.

I am working through it. I sprayed some sample areas over the damaged spots. One did not work. The other seemed to have potential. I am letting it rest for a bit while work out texture on another piece mounted to the wall. I’ll let you know how it goes. I am hopeful but in a sceptical way my friends expect from me. #Artista #Processo #CDMX #LARoma #chromaticexplorer #art #arte #vida #creatividad

 

 

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