It’s no secret that this last year has been all about evolution for me. It was a year ago today that I stood “trial” defending my character against false accusations. We can find many examples of LGBTQ peoples’ rights being pushed to the side to protect the limp morals of another. It is the history of our world and what my brothers and sisters face. I have used that experience to bolster myself and to remind myself armor is needed to thrive in this world. But here I am a year later asking myself is the evolution still in progress? Am I evolving to the next level or did I hit a plateau?
I took this job in August to supplement my studio income. I was afraid I wouldn’t have what I needed to do my thing and made the decision from that space of fear. It did not take long for me to understand the breadth of the job and commute was much more than I wanted in my life at this moment. Could I do it? Yes. However, the problem soon came that it would require a level of dedication that placed my studio practice on the chopping block. Getting up at 4:30 AM required going to bed at 8 PM. Arriving home at 5 PM gave little time in the studio and left little energy for what needed to be done. Fast forward 10 weeks and here I am sick and struggling to keep all of it moving forward. Facebook reminds me it was a year ago I left my last job to focus on my art. I need to ask myself if I am honoring that momentum.
Things are again evolving to bring me back to my work. Changes are in the air and I will have to move along with them. I’ve begun to feel out how the studio can generate income and release me from the obligation of commuting 3-5 hours every day. Working from home or nearby relieves a lot of issues, so I started to construct what the new studio will do to support the ongoing work of the old studio. I will focus heavily on sales of photo prints in my social media while offering competitive prices. I’m building up my library of potential workshops I can offer in the studio as well as feeling out private lessons. Working on editing a calendar to sale for 2019 and other items. I am editing the year of work to produce a small 3 book series of process, fotos, and paintings that have some digitally linked content inside of them to dive deeper.
All that said, there is this lingering anxiety inside me that curses me to believe I will be homeless and unable to support myself. I’m thinking of how I manage my anxiety and what I will do during all this change to not survive but to be successful and content. I don’t want to lash out at unsuspecting people or behave inappropriately. I am focused on my breathing and staying in the moment. Taking the time to use my art discipline and what I can do on a daily basis to move forward. I know it has been a heartbeat since I last sat down to write out things. This feels stifled and wrote for me at the moment. Somehow less genuine than other entries, but necessary to keep myself moving.