Eating Emotions

I sent a message to a friend in California today asking for advice on social media marketing. It’s not a big deal, but it got flashed back to me that I hadn’t been keeping up with what was going on in their life and I wasn’t being very socially graceful. Directness is often a problem for me when I am in deep creativity mode. My lack of social grace effect is exaggerated if I am doing coding work. It’s like my brain was frozen and someone slapped me out it.

I’ve been in such a internal mode lately and unable to see much beyond myself. That’s kind of scary to me as I haven’t been there in awhile. Perhaps an element of how I ended up so sick for the month of May. I just type all this out loud because it’s messing with my creative mojo and that must be corrected immediately. I’m making it a priority to connect with as many of my friends as I can.

It’s can be very isolating to work in a home studio. I spend 85-90% of my time alone working away happily. Sometimes I get these pangs of loneliness so I started doing my posts and business work from a Starbucks or other cafes in the zona. It helps to reduce some of the isolation, but it’s not like I am here engaging in conversations with other people working. We work. But just getting out of the studio is in itself a gift. I have been researching what I will do when my lease is up at the end of July. I’d love to separate my spaces, but I don’t know yet I can find an economical way to do just that. We shall see as I am following leads and making those connections.

One thing I am exploring is how changing the scale of my work allows me to sit in cafes and parks to work. It’s far easier with pencil work that it is with oil pastels. I started this way 6 years ago in cafes and such in Mexico City. Seems appropriate to look back and decide if that model could work for me again. Things were simpler back then in terms of materials and processes, but it is possible and economical.

I want to also say that overall my health has improved. Having not been able to actually eat for so long created opportunities for reflecting on the importance of food to me and my emotions. I wouldn’t say I wasn’t aware, but my depth of awareness has increased many fold. I use food to manage my emotions. Most of the time it gets worse at nighttime when I am alone or feeling my loneliest. I begin to eat to distract myself and I don’t know that I stop before I fall asleep. It creates a false sense of fullness in my emotions or distraction. Sometimes I find I will pop a valerian pill to force myself to sleep and therefor avoid eating more. The force feeding is sort of like veal level at times. It creates a fullness before bed in my stomach which interrupts my sleep patterns and almost every morning after creates a sickness in my stomach with results similar to the month I just had but at a lower level. So my stomach issues really are more about my emotions and my body is reflecting the results of my habits.

Again if I type it out it seems more real. How does this all relate to my art? The process of eating  and it’s effects directly relate to productivity. How does it relate to content? Sometimes I push the beauty of an image to compensate for how the eating makes me feel ugly. Most of the time my images are really an expression of loneliness and isolation. Self imposed. Self regulated by rules and rituals. It’s clearly an addiction. I did attend food addicts meetings for a short time when I lived in San Francisco. These were some of the most emotionally stressful moments of my life.

Again. I hope by releasing this onto a surface out of my head I can start a process of addressing this before it causes me more physical and mental health issues.

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